Fatherhood Is No Sacrifice

Fatherhood is no sacrifice.  I have heard it said that, when some men (often friends of mine) think of being a father, they don't like the idea of having to give up hobbies they enjoy, freedom to go and do whenever they want, or sacrificing some other aspect of their childless life.  But I see it quite differently.

In fact, I feel strongly that those well meaning men have it completely upside down.  I enjoy birding:  watching and identifying backyard birds, taking walks with a bird book to find new types which don't frequent my particular neighborhood, etc.  As a father of an 11 year old boy and a 9 year old girl, did I sacrifice being able to bird watch?  No!  On the contrary, I found myself doing more and more birding because of my children.  It turns out that they quite enjoyed watching the birds just as I do.  They will sit on the back porch for, frankly, longer than I even want and keep a sharp eye peeled for new birds.  I even became much more knowledgeable about the birds that I love so much because I found myself teaching my children about them.  I have always believed that you teach what you most want to learn.  It is certainly true that your understanding of a topic increases dramatically as you teach that topic.  So, thank you Cameron and Maddie, for allowing me to enjoy the birds which I love so much.  Thank you, for teaching me through your questions about those lovely animals of flight.

But, perhaps the example of birding was simply a happy, little coincidence.  After all, what little kid doesn't like pretty little animals that magically take flight and have a myriad of beautiful colors?  So, lets consider another hobby of mine:  astronomy.  Surely being a father would put a damper on that activity because the children couldn't possibly be interested in seemingly static dots in the sky.  Oh, but how they are!

My children absolutely love knowing which little dot in the sky is Jupiter and which is the North Star.  They love the shapes that the dots make such as a kite, a house, or an arrow.  My children love to look through binoculars and see Jupiter's four Galilean moons, or check out the craters on the Moon, or even see the plethora of stars which are too dim to see with the naked eye but come out of hiding with the help of a nice lens.  And if I want a little "alone time" with my beloved stars, no problem.  The youngsters go to bed long before stars fade away with the morning Sun.  So, I have as much time as I want to savor the beauty of the universe in peaceful silence.  And, a nice little ancillary aside is, once again, the growth of my own knowledge thanks to the questions of my curious little budding scientists.  Still, this activity is once again passive.  What about a physically active hobby in which they couldn't possibly undertake?  No way having children could accentuate such an activity.  Wrong again!

Let me cut to the chase and list other areas in which a sacrifice might occur in the post-childless life:  working on the car, attending and watching football games, riding my bicycle, watching the few specific television shows which display a very narrow field of knowledge or entertainment, going for a swim, reading, exercising.  The list goes on and on.  The bottom line is this... my children love being with their parent and sharing in the joys of various activities.  Concerns of a heavy burden of sacrifice should simply wash away from the worried mind of a father-to-be.

So, I guess I'm saying that having children enriches every aspect of life and hampers none.  Well, that would indeed be a naive statement.  Yes, there are sacrifices.  So, to be fair, let's look at the spector of sacrifice which will surely descend upon a man's life upon having children.  Money disappears at an alarming rate.  There exist a small number of activities which are not suitable for children (R-rated movies, repelling... you get the idea).  Life gets a bit busier.  Strike that.  Life gets crazy!  Children are unpredictable.  They can be happy and congenial one minute, and disturbingly argumentative the next.  But does the new father need to abandon his carefree life of hobbies and friends?  No.  There may be a need for better time management... and maybe a select few activities become a bit less frequent.  But let me tell you a little secret.  Are you ready?  It's a big one.  You may want to slow the pace of your reading and settle in to a comfy chair to prepare yourself for this little know bombshell.

Children love their parents.  Shhh!  Don't tell anyone this.  It's a trade secret which cannot become public knowledge lest the population explosion becomes a full fledged supernova.  But it's true.  The love and laughter which your darling children will unconditionally throw your way will erase any regret you may have for missing out on the rare activity which childless men enjoy.  It is impossible to overstate this fact.  I promise, your heart will melt with love and affection in a futile attempt to reciprocate the love which will be offered.

So, if you're thinking that your current life as a father has been more of a sacrifice than originally anticipated, then I would suggest taking a second look at your situation.  Get a new perspective.  Include your kids in that activity in which you are sure they will not be interested.  You may have underestimated you darling little ones.  And maybe, just maybe, you deserve a little break.  In that case, reward yourself with that break.  Get a babysitter.  Allow a family member to keep your kids for a bit.  But I don't think you'll need too many of those breaks if you take the right approach.

And if you're considering entering the wonderful and wacky world of fatherhood, then relax.  Life can continue.  And yes, you can still enjoy all of those little moments which you currently savor.

Trust me, it will be ok.

The Things We Do For Our Children

My back hurts, I'm cold and hungry, my knees hurt, my jeans might be ruined due to the mud and grass stains... and yet, I continue.  Why?  I'm not getting paid.  It's not part of my job.  My wife doesn't care if I do it.  And yet, I continue.

Today I spent the entire afternoon and evening putting lights on and around my house.  I live in a modest, two story home.  I am petrified of heights, and yet I found myself today about 30 feet off of terra firma, attaching Christmas lights to the gutters and shingles onto the highest point on my roof.  I spent hours outside in the cold, untangling strings of lights, diagnosing and fixing unlit strings, and becoming overall achy throughout my body.

Of course, I likely sound like a curmudgeon at this point in the story.  But, as I worked and toiled with thousands of lights for roughly 7 hours, I found that I was as happy as a lark.  In fact, I would do it all again tomorrow if needed.  Again, I must ask why.

Before I tell you the obvious answer (see the title of this article for a clue), I need to put a little perspective on the story.  I've been very stressed and busy lately.  In fact, I would say that I've been downright depressed.  Money is tight, I'm wondering where the extra money for Christmas presents will come from, I am exceptionally busy at work, and my wife is working two jobs which gives me a greater burden of responsibility at home.  To be quite frank, I had absolutely no motivation for putting up Christmas decorations of any kind.

I even entertained the idea with my wife that maybe I wouldn't put up the lights this year.  Maybe we could just get a Christmas tree in a couple of weeks and let that be our only decorating for the season.  But, alas, my children saw things a bit differently.  This is how it went when I brought up the idea of forgoing the outside Christmas lights with my kids.

Me:  "Hey kids.  I'm thinking about not putting up any Christmas lights on the house this year."

The kids:  "Oh.  Uh, ok.  Are you sure?"  --  My kids are very understanding, which just makes this whole conversation that much more difficult.

Me:  "Well, I guess I could put them up."

The kids:  "Yay!!!  We love you, Daddy.  You're the best Dad, ever!"

Case closed.  I'm putting up the lights.

So, as soon as I ate lunch after church, the rest of Sunday found me outside as explained above.  Now I'm inside the cozy confines of my house, the kids are in bed, and I couldn't be more in the mood for Christmas if I was jolly ol' Saint Nick, myself.

Feeling a little "out of the mood" for Christmas?  I stumbled upon the remedy today.  Just look in your kids eyes and see their unadulterated joy when speaking of Christmas.

I got unsolicited hugs and kisses along with "atta boy's" like only my kids can give.  Even my wife caught the Christmas bug.  She fixed a marvelous turkey dinner (no, Thanksgiving wasn't enough).  We had a great dinner and then went outside to savor in Daddy's handiwork.  More unsolicited thanks and hugs and exclamations about being the best Daddy in the whole wide world.

Yep.  I would do it tomorrow in a heart beat.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Taking time on Thanksgiving to put certain priorities in place and to be grateful for what you have is fabulous.  In a Utopian society, maybe we wouldn't need "Thanksgiving" because we would live our day to day existence in a state of gratitude.  But, the fact is, that the vast majority of us do not take the time to express and acknowledge the wonderful parts of our lives which, without them, would make life unbearable.  In that spirit, I offer the following.

Things I am thankful for

1.  My faith --  My personal faith (protestant Christian, if you're wondering) has grown tremendously over the past few years.  I have become fairly involved in my church both participating in an adult small group alongside my wife and leading a small group of high school boys who come to my house weekly for a bible study.  I've always believed that you teach what you most want to learn.  This is certainly true for me.

2.  My health --  I am a fairly healthy guy.  Sure, I could lose 50 pounds, and I should eat better and get more exercise.  But all in all, I just don't have many physical ailments despite my wife's protests to the contrary (I am something of a baby when it comes to feeling bad).  My health is in tact as far as anyone can tell.  I am grateful for that.  Many people my age and younger have serious, debilitating, and sometimes terminal health conditions.  I don't, and I am thankful.

3.  My family --  And for this, I mean my wife and 2 marvelous children.  They are the proverbial foundation of my life.  They give my life meaning, laughter, and great joy.  They love me unconditionally, although I sometimes make that a difficult chore for my wife.  They are always there for me, as constant as the number pi (away from a black hole, that is... pi ceases to be the 3.14 we have all come to know and love if you happen to be near one of those mass eating machines).  By the way, I'm a complete nerd!

4.  The rest of my family --  I have the best mother God ever created, 2 loving older sisters, and a caring father.  Throw into that mix an aunt who adores me, several fantastic cousins who I see much less often than I would like, and you've got a pretty darn good set-up.

5.  My job --  I don't think many people can say that they love getting up in the morning to go to work.  God has certainly blessed me with that ability.  Don't tell my boss, but I would do this work (teaching physics, that is) for far less than I am currently paid.

Ok, that's enough.  Life might sound pretty unfair to many readers if I continued.  I'm not sure I could continue much past 5, anyway.  The list of stresses and uncertainties in my life could far surpass a list of 5, but I won't go there today.

For anyone unfortunate enough to find this terrible bit of reading, I hope your list of things to be thankful for in your life is far greater than mine.  Happy Thanksgiving!

My First Regret, Or Maybe Just The First I Remember

I knew going into this "fatherhood" thing that it would be difficult and that I would make mistakes.  However, I never knew how right I could be.  I have so many mistakes and regrets that I cannot possibly enumerate them all in this blog.  I don't think the server has enough space to hold that much text!  Still, here are some things I've done, things I should have done, or things that I wish I never had done in my 11 year tenure as a father.  Maybe you can relate to some of these and we can take solace in our mutual company of misery.  Or, better still, maybe you can read the bonehead mistakes I've made and convict yourself not to repeat my stupidity.  In this particular article, I'll only mention one.  But rest assured, there are many more to come.

As a father, my biggest responsibility is arguably keeping my children out of harms way.  And yet, I have been the direct cause of harm myself.  I remember the first time I actually brought physical pain to my child.  My son was just a baby, not even a year old.  I was holding him and reveling in the wonder and awe that is holding one's own offspring.  He was (and still is) so cute, I just wanted to "eat him up."  Of course, that is a figure of speech.  No one ever really bites their child.  And yet, that's exactly what I did.  As I was holding him, my excitement grew and grew until it nearly reached a fever pitch.  I just couldn't contain my euphoria any longer.  So, with teeth bared, I bit his shirt.  As my teeth sank into his little outfit, I had the unusual feeling of softness between my incisors.  "Wow," I thought.  "This shirt must be padded or something."  Then it happened.

My precious son let out a scream that could have broken a wine glass!  I immediately let go of my death grip, shocked out of my dreamy happiness.  His face was beet red and all scrunched up like raisin.  He was obviously in a great deal of pain.  Just as I began to inspect my son's body to uncover and eradicate the threat, his hand raised up to cover the exact spot where my teeth marks could still be seen on his shirt.  "Please, no.  Tell me I didn't bite my son!"  Alas, I had.  I lifted his shirt to see what amounted to a pinch mark with clear indentations in the unmistakable shape of my teeth.  "Good Lord.  I bit my son!"

His skin remained puckered up as if still caught in the grip of my sharp enamel.  I instinctively started rubbing his wound hoping to wipe away the pain and soothe the nerve endings that must have been firing at full throttle.  My wife, disconcerted by the abrupt squeal from our first born baby, came dashing into the room where she found me on the verge of tears and our son in an all out panic."

What happened?!" she let out, wondering why she had trusted me to care for him to begin with.

"I bit him!  I bit Cameron!"

"What?!  Why did you bite him?  What were you thinking?!"

God, or the universe, or Allah, or evolution, or whatever you believe constructed this crazy existence we call life gave mothers a fierce instinct to protect their young.  I wasn't completely aware of this, but looking back I realize that my own life was, at that moment, in grave danger of coming to an end.

"I didn't mean to!  I just got excited because he's so cute!"

My dear wife must have thought I had lost my marbles.  So, I was actually admitting that I had bitten her son?  And my excuse was, "I didn't mean to"?  What an idiot.

The rest of the night I swung between two emotional extremes:  self-loathing for being a moron and rage towards myself for the same.

Fortunately, Cameron recovered quickly and well.  Inexplicably he continued to let me hold him.  I guess he still hadn't discovered cause and effect at such an early age.  Had he associated that pain with me, the rightful owner of his misery, that may have been the last time for quite a while in which he allowed me to so much as touch him.

So, what do I take from this experience?

Don't bite your kids!  It hurts them.  Well, maybe there's a little more to it than just that.  From this moment, and reinforced time and time again, I have understood just how careful fathers must be with their children.  Even with the very best of intentions, we can hurt our prodigy in ways that we just don't expect.  This moment is, of course, way too concrete.  The fact is, there exist many more subtle ways in which we can misguide, and send mixed messages to, our children.  How we fathers behave in both jubilation and flat out anger impacts the minds, hearts, and souls of these gentle creatures greatly.  Every moment is a teaching moment.  Every action, every word, every facial expression... all of it... is picked up and imprinted on these marvelous humans just trying to figure out how to make it in this convoluted, messy world.  It's overwhelming, really.  I can't wrap my mind around it.  If I concentrate on the depth of it too much, I'm likely to have a panic attack!  So, like everyone else I suppose, I trod through the day living moment to moment... just trying to remember to walk in a simple manner.  Because those little footsteps I hear behind me will one day be leading another set of little footsteps.  That's a hell of a responsibility... but that's what I've signed up for.