My two children, a son aged 11 and a daughter aged 9, love each other very much. They play together and share often. They show great concern and compassion for each other when one is going through some struggles either physically or emotionally. But, boy, can the fight!
As lovely as they are with each other at times, they are just as frequently very ugly to each other. They are selfish with apparently no motivation other than... well... selfishness. They want to be the first at things that have no meaning or value whatsoever. While they don't physically lash out at each other, my daughter (the youngest and much smaller than her older brother), will occasionally push or hit her older sibling. That doesn't happen often, and hasn't happened in quite a while, frankly. They know that their mother and I won't tolerate physical anger. But my wife and I have to be referees just about every day. So, since I believe this type of conflict between siblings is very common, and I know it is frequently much worse with other siblings, the question remains. As a parent, how do you appropriately deal with bickering siblings?
Having looked into this issue from both online research and by speaking with other parents and psychologists, along with my own experience as a parent of what has worked and what hasn't, I have a few suggestions. I am going to follow these suggestions, myself, in an effort to become a better parent. I'll update this post in future blog entries and let you know how things are going.
Suggestion #1: Get out of the middle
Too often I put myself in the middle of their disagreements. I try to be the judge and jury for every argument. But now, I'm going to try to step away from their bickering. I will try to only be a facilitator in the resolution process making sure that basic rules of humanity are followed: no physical or verbal abuse, and keep the dignity of the other person in tact.
Suggestion #2: Be a good moderator
I will help my children resolve their dispute. I understand that most of their arguments are an attempt at being independent. In and of itself, that is not a bad thing. It's just how that independence manifests itself. I will attempt to get my children to understand the consequences of their decisions. If a serious violation has occurred, then I will certainly step in and be the police. But my primary objective will be to allow them to resolve their dispute.
Suggestion #4: Keep love in the room
While I may not make them "kiss and make up," I will certainly be a part of letting them know that they are still loved and liked. Before we leave the resolution process, I want to see some loving response towards each other. At the moment, I'm not sure what form that will or should take. But it better be there!
As stated, I'll let you know if future posts how things are going and how I think I'm doing. It will certainly be a challenge for me. I am so used to being the judge and police, it won't feel natural to move away from those roles. But here's to trying!
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I'm interested in how your strategies work. I often wonder how well I'm doing at teaching Christopher to share/resolve conflict when he doesn't have the people in his life he would have the most conflict with - sibligs (near his own age and living with him). Just remember when Maddie and Cam are driving you nuts with their conflict - you're getting the oppotunity for a great teaching moment! And, the more conflict they have (as long as it's not too violent, etc.), the closer they'll be when they're older (okay, I have no objective data for that statement, but I do think there's a little truth to it ... )
ReplyDeleteI like your conclusion... I hope you're right :-)
ReplyDeleteBy the way, thanks for following me!
I will let you know how it goes. It's as much of a test for me (opportunity?) as it is the kids.