My son is in the 6th grade and just about to turn 12. He is bright, energetic, and a wonderful communicator. But of late, he has started to close up about some of his feelings. I can feel it. Something wicked this way comes: the teen years.
I remember my middle school years. They were, without doubt, the most awkward and horrifying years of my life. And at the center of it all was one thing: girls. And here is my pre-teen, middle school boy whom I'm afraid is experiencing some of the same mixed up feelings. Oh man, girls can mix up a boys head faster than the fastest roller coaster.
My boy's got this young girl whom he texts on his cell phone night and day. I've tried to ask him about this girl. He'll have none of it. All I've managed to get out of him is that she is, indeed, a girl (a homophobic relief washed over me, I have to admit) and her first name. He isn't allowed to have his phone in his room with him at bedtime. So every time I take it from him at night, he quickly erases every text on his phone before relinquishing it. I respect his privacy, and I certainly know that nothing inappropriate is being communicated (I have both secretly and forcibly checked, not allowing him to erase any message). But he won't tell me (or his mother) a damn thing.
His choice to take the 5th on this issue has been bothering me for some time. So, I've decided to write about it. My motivation is two-fold: to vent, and to make an attempt at puzzling this out to some resolution. I enjoy the former and am pessimistic about the latter.
After all, what am I to do? How can I get that sweet boy to open up about his feelings towards a girl? And should I even worry about it? I am confident that my son feels comfortable coming to me or his mother with problems. But I honestly don't think he knows what in the world to do with these new and strange feelings. Frankly, I didn't know at that age and I likely still don't. I married the same girl whom I was dating by the 10th grade. So it isn't like I've had multiple opportunities to practice dealing with this personally.
I guess, for now, I'll just keep gently reminding him that I am here for him if he ever wants to talk. But that just doesn't seem like enough. I need more. But maybe that's the problem. I need more, but maybe he doesn't. Crap, now I'm confused! Who am I actually helping by getting him to open up? Hopefully, both me and him. But I don't know.
So I'm resolved to keep trying. I'll do a bit of research on the internet and run by the bookstore or library for assistance. Surely there are plenty of publications dealing with this issue of pre-teen boys giving their parents the silent treatment in regards to girls. But mostly I'm scared stiff looking ahead at the next several years. It can't get any better. All I see in front of me is a road diving quickly into the inky blackness of an emotional abyss. I just pray that my son will let me ride in the same car as he, and maybe we can share a few thoughts about those mysterious creatures: girls. Damn, they are fine. But, damn, they are agents of confusion and sorrow!
I guess I missed on my original goal of this writing. I can't see that I've figured anything out. Still, the written venting is good. I'll just keep thinking. It's about the only thing I'm decent at, anyway.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Being a Father: What it means
For most of my life I have struggled with the question of what it means to be a man. This, obviously, will impact my ability to be an effective father. But this definition goes well beyond physical parts that distinguish me from the fairer sex. I'm talking about the intrinsic values that define manhood.
Not having a strong father figure as a child, I had to look outside my own home for meaning. And for many years I was unsuccessful at finding appropriate role models. As a high school student, no father figures or appropriate role models appeared. Simply put, I was only spending my time around similar aged boys who couldn't have told me what it means to be a man if their life depended upon it.
In college, I likewise found no appropriate models. The young men I encountered either treated women as objects (a skill I, unfortunately, developed quite well) or were similar to me in their hollow ideas of manhoood and simply avoided the concept deeming it unworthy and unimportant.
But it is important. For men, it is crucial for lasting happiness and a well balanced life. For fathers, it is absolutely critical, because the sons and daughters whom a father guides into adulthood will carry the lasting effects of their fathers for a lifetime. When you are a bachelor, I suppose you can be selfish in your definition of manhood. I would disagree, but I won't argue that point. However, when you are a father, being selfish in your definition is reckless and borderline child endangerment.
First, let me state what a man/father is not. A man is not selfish. He does not put his needs before his family. A man isn't the stereotype macho dude who doesn't read or enjoy a good "chick flick" every now and again. A man does not force his way in any situation: interrupting conversation, pushing his opinion, etc. Before I ramble on too far about this, I will cut to the chase.
A man is kind. He takes care of his family be it his parents, sibling, wife, or children. A man may enjoy working with his hands (as I do), but his hands are gentle when dealing with those around him. A man is chivalrous. I believe he should enjoy carrying heavy objects so that women around don't have to. This isn't to say that women are weak. I grew up around 4 strong women. Trust me, they are not weak. But opening a door for a woman or carrying a heavy physical burden for her relief is kind. Generally, men are physically stronger than women, so this kind of action seems very natural. A man respects women. Not only does he not treat them as physical play toys, but he also respects their opinions and ideas. A father may be stern when disciplining his children, but he should be more interested in guidance and correction than in punishment. A man is inquisitive and enjoys learning. Men certainly shouldn't be too prideful when that learning comes from a source other than his own investigation.
Of course, these are my opinions. But I have come to these conclusions after years of trial and error. Women, too, can be described in many of the above manners. But that is because we are all human; children of God. While strengths and weaknesses may differ, one is not above the other. And similarities are abundant.
I do believe that the classical male has difficulty communicating, especially in the arena of feelings and emotions. But this is a glaring weakness when true. Every man, in my humble opinion, should be diligent in working to overcome this seemingly natural phenomena.
These opinions I hold near and dear. As a father, I pray that I can model and teach to my children how a man should act. I want my son to grow up knowing how to treat women and children. And I pray that he steers clear of the stereotype, overly masculine male figure which ultimately brings and unfulfilled promise. For my daughter, I hope that she learns what to look for in a good man. Humble, noble pursuits, generosity, and tenderness wrapped up in a playful rough and tumble male. It is a frightening prospect being a father. Knowing that I will fail, knowing that I will not live up to the standards expressed above completely, makes me lean a little heavier in my Father in Heaven. When I read about Jesus in the Bible, I am reading about what it means to be a good man. And He is the role model whom I hope to ultimately emulate.
Not having a strong father figure as a child, I had to look outside my own home for meaning. And for many years I was unsuccessful at finding appropriate role models. As a high school student, no father figures or appropriate role models appeared. Simply put, I was only spending my time around similar aged boys who couldn't have told me what it means to be a man if their life depended upon it.
In college, I likewise found no appropriate models. The young men I encountered either treated women as objects (a skill I, unfortunately, developed quite well) or were similar to me in their hollow ideas of manhoood and simply avoided the concept deeming it unworthy and unimportant.
But it is important. For men, it is crucial for lasting happiness and a well balanced life. For fathers, it is absolutely critical, because the sons and daughters whom a father guides into adulthood will carry the lasting effects of their fathers for a lifetime. When you are a bachelor, I suppose you can be selfish in your definition of manhood. I would disagree, but I won't argue that point. However, when you are a father, being selfish in your definition is reckless and borderline child endangerment.
First, let me state what a man/father is not. A man is not selfish. He does not put his needs before his family. A man isn't the stereotype macho dude who doesn't read or enjoy a good "chick flick" every now and again. A man does not force his way in any situation: interrupting conversation, pushing his opinion, etc. Before I ramble on too far about this, I will cut to the chase.
A man is kind. He takes care of his family be it his parents, sibling, wife, or children. A man may enjoy working with his hands (as I do), but his hands are gentle when dealing with those around him. A man is chivalrous. I believe he should enjoy carrying heavy objects so that women around don't have to. This isn't to say that women are weak. I grew up around 4 strong women. Trust me, they are not weak. But opening a door for a woman or carrying a heavy physical burden for her relief is kind. Generally, men are physically stronger than women, so this kind of action seems very natural. A man respects women. Not only does he not treat them as physical play toys, but he also respects their opinions and ideas. A father may be stern when disciplining his children, but he should be more interested in guidance and correction than in punishment. A man is inquisitive and enjoys learning. Men certainly shouldn't be too prideful when that learning comes from a source other than his own investigation.
Of course, these are my opinions. But I have come to these conclusions after years of trial and error. Women, too, can be described in many of the above manners. But that is because we are all human; children of God. While strengths and weaknesses may differ, one is not above the other. And similarities are abundant.
I do believe that the classical male has difficulty communicating, especially in the arena of feelings and emotions. But this is a glaring weakness when true. Every man, in my humble opinion, should be diligent in working to overcome this seemingly natural phenomena.
These opinions I hold near and dear. As a father, I pray that I can model and teach to my children how a man should act. I want my son to grow up knowing how to treat women and children. And I pray that he steers clear of the stereotype, overly masculine male figure which ultimately brings and unfulfilled promise. For my daughter, I hope that she learns what to look for in a good man. Humble, noble pursuits, generosity, and tenderness wrapped up in a playful rough and tumble male. It is a frightening prospect being a father. Knowing that I will fail, knowing that I will not live up to the standards expressed above completely, makes me lean a little heavier in my Father in Heaven. When I read about Jesus in the Bible, I am reading about what it means to be a good man. And He is the role model whom I hope to ultimately emulate.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Snow, Snow, Wonderful Snow!
Down here in the great state of Tennessee, especially in the valley of East Tennessee, we don't see much accumulating snow. Most of the populous, except some overachieving adults, love snow.
My wife and I have lived in our current home for 13 years. Tonight is the very first time that we have had enough snow on the roads to sled. School is called off tomorrow (we are both teachers), and we are as happy as a lark! As I write this blog, I am sitting in my recliner with a lap blanket next to a roaring fire. Does life get any better?
So, what does this have to do with being a father? Didn't you read above? Sledding! For the first time as a father, I got to push my kids down a giant hill covered with ice and snow. I got to hear their screams of laughter as the rocketed (ok, that's an exaggeration) down the hill. I got to hear, "Daddy, do you see me?" What a wonderful elixir for the constant drum beat of life.
To be honest, my sinuses are killing me. I have a headache. I'm tired (Thursdays are always my tired days). I'm a bit grumpy, too. But the beautiful snow and the lovely smiles on my children's faces have pushed all of those (well, many of them) ills away. At least for the moment.
Yes, being a father has its perks!
My wife and I have lived in our current home for 13 years. Tonight is the very first time that we have had enough snow on the roads to sled. School is called off tomorrow (we are both teachers), and we are as happy as a lark! As I write this blog, I am sitting in my recliner with a lap blanket next to a roaring fire. Does life get any better?So, what does this have to do with being a father? Didn't you read above? Sledding! For the first time as a father, I got to push my kids down a giant hill covered with ice and snow. I got to hear their screams of laughter as the rocketed (ok, that's an exaggeration) down the hill. I got to hear, "Daddy, do you see me?" What a wonderful elixir for the constant drum beat of life.
To be honest, my sinuses are killing me. I have a headache. I'm tired (Thursdays are always my tired days). I'm a bit grumpy, too. But the beautiful snow and the lovely smiles on my children's faces have pushed all of those (well, many of them) ills away. At least for the moment.Yes, being a father has its perks!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Sibling Arguments
My two children, a son aged 11 and a daughter aged 9, love each other very much. They play together and share often. They show great concern and compassion for each other when one is going through some struggles either physically or emotionally. But, boy, can the fight!
As lovely as they are with each other at times, they are just as frequently very ugly to each other. They are selfish with apparently no motivation other than... well... selfishness. They want to be the first at things that have no meaning or value whatsoever. While they don't physically lash out at each other, my daughter (the youngest and much smaller than her older brother), will occasionally push or hit her older sibling. That doesn't happen often, and hasn't happened in quite a while, frankly. They know that their mother and I won't tolerate physical anger. But my wife and I have to be referees just about every day. So, since I believe this type of conflict between siblings is very common, and I know it is frequently much worse with other siblings, the question remains. As a parent, how do you appropriately deal with bickering siblings?
Having looked into this issue from both online research and by speaking with other parents and psychologists, along with my own experience as a parent of what has worked and what hasn't, I have a few suggestions. I am going to follow these suggestions, myself, in an effort to become a better parent. I'll update this post in future blog entries and let you know how things are going.
Suggestion #1: Get out of the middle
Too often I put myself in the middle of their disagreements. I try to be the judge and jury for every argument. But now, I'm going to try to step away from their bickering. I will try to only be a facilitator in the resolution process making sure that basic rules of humanity are followed: no physical or verbal abuse, and keep the dignity of the other person in tact.
Suggestion #2: Be a good moderator
I will help my children resolve their dispute. I understand that most of their arguments are an attempt at being independent. In and of itself, that is not a bad thing. It's just how that independence manifests itself. I will attempt to get my children to understand the consequences of their decisions. If a serious violation has occurred, then I will certainly step in and be the police. But my primary objective will be to allow them to resolve their dispute.
Suggestion #4: Keep love in the room
While I may not make them "kiss and make up," I will certainly be a part of letting them know that they are still loved and liked. Before we leave the resolution process, I want to see some loving response towards each other. At the moment, I'm not sure what form that will or should take. But it better be there!
As stated, I'll let you know if future posts how things are going and how I think I'm doing. It will certainly be a challenge for me. I am so used to being the judge and police, it won't feel natural to move away from those roles. But here's to trying!
As lovely as they are with each other at times, they are just as frequently very ugly to each other. They are selfish with apparently no motivation other than... well... selfishness. They want to be the first at things that have no meaning or value whatsoever. While they don't physically lash out at each other, my daughter (the youngest and much smaller than her older brother), will occasionally push or hit her older sibling. That doesn't happen often, and hasn't happened in quite a while, frankly. They know that their mother and I won't tolerate physical anger. But my wife and I have to be referees just about every day. So, since I believe this type of conflict between siblings is very common, and I know it is frequently much worse with other siblings, the question remains. As a parent, how do you appropriately deal with bickering siblings?
Having looked into this issue from both online research and by speaking with other parents and psychologists, along with my own experience as a parent of what has worked and what hasn't, I have a few suggestions. I am going to follow these suggestions, myself, in an effort to become a better parent. I'll update this post in future blog entries and let you know how things are going.
Suggestion #1: Get out of the middle
Too often I put myself in the middle of their disagreements. I try to be the judge and jury for every argument. But now, I'm going to try to step away from their bickering. I will try to only be a facilitator in the resolution process making sure that basic rules of humanity are followed: no physical or verbal abuse, and keep the dignity of the other person in tact.
Suggestion #2: Be a good moderator
I will help my children resolve their dispute. I understand that most of their arguments are an attempt at being independent. In and of itself, that is not a bad thing. It's just how that independence manifests itself. I will attempt to get my children to understand the consequences of their decisions. If a serious violation has occurred, then I will certainly step in and be the police. But my primary objective will be to allow them to resolve their dispute.
Suggestion #4: Keep love in the room
While I may not make them "kiss and make up," I will certainly be a part of letting them know that they are still loved and liked. Before we leave the resolution process, I want to see some loving response towards each other. At the moment, I'm not sure what form that will or should take. But it better be there!
As stated, I'll let you know if future posts how things are going and how I think I'm doing. It will certainly be a challenge for me. I am so used to being the judge and police, it won't feel natural to move away from those roles. But here's to trying!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Tug of War
As a parent, there are many things I want to teach my children. I lose sleep over them. I ponder how I can teach and re-teach this ever growing list. The number of things I want to teach my children is easily too large to be contained in this article. But when I boil it all down, I feel that there are two things that I want to teach which far outweigh all of the others: the ability to love and to be loved.
All of the other things have their place as well, and I certainly do not forsake them for these two exceptional lessons. But being able to both give and receive love rank as the top on my list. The item that comes in second, a choice that seems to fluctuate with my mood of the day, falls well short of these preferred ideas. It isn’t even a close race.
So I am now, and have been for some time, dealing with the problematic question of how. How do I teach my children to love and to be loved? The options to this question is the focus of this writing, along with the media’s take on what love is.
I’ll start with the popular media, mostly because I recently watched a movie that proposed to explain what love is, actually. In this movie, the title of which can be found hidden within the words of this article, several scenarios of various types of love are explored. But I believe the movie makers, assuming their claim was well intentioned, got it wrong. Each of the scenarios depicted, save one, was of what I would call “new love.” By new love, I mean the early romance and energetic passion felt in what many have called the honeymoon period. Only one scenario depicted “old love,” the love shared by a man and woman who have been through it all over the course of a lengthy relationship. And even this scenario fell short, in my humble opinion, because it depicted a mature marriage on the rocks as the husband, apparently going through some stereotypic midlife crisis, wooed a younger woman with jewelry.
So, what is this movie teaching our children about love? And don’t fall into the trap of thinking that movies don’t teach us anything but only entertain us. Maybe this is the case for adults wise enough to see through the smoke and mirrors of Hollywood. But to young eyes, too naïve to understand the gulf between Hollywood and reality, movies indeed teach our children. And this movie was making the point that romance defines love. But after perusing divorce rates (an increase of 700% from 1970 to 1996, according to the Americans for Divorce Reform), we need to teach our children about “old love.” I am begging Hollywood, please show us touching movies about adults growing old together in marriage! From where I’m sitting, I cannot think of a single movie highlighting old love. Of course, as an involved (and married!) father, I take it upon myself to teach my children. But society teaches, as well. This is a fact I cannot deny.
Hopefully the model of my old and growing love for their mother will be enough to teach my children about the value and substance of old love. Because the romance shown to them in advertisements, television shows and movies are only trumpeting the value of romance; aka, new love. But new love is notoriously brittle, cracking under the constant strain of life’s stresses. And what happens to that new love when children are brought into the picture? It is my opinion that new love, if not maturing into old love, will break more times than not. Let us take it upon ourselves to espouse the value and fulfillment that one enjoys having spent their entire life with one partner in matrimony. True, sometimes I don’t exactly like my wife. And I am sure that she isn’t all that fond of me from time to time. But working through those moments, being able to look back at the growth of a relationship, and experiencing the lasting loyalty and deep happiness from a long and meaningful marriage is much more gratifying then the momentary euphoria of a passionate romance. This brings me full circle, back to my original point. I want, more than any other thing, to teach my children to love and be loved.
Without these necessary skills, moving past a simple romance is doubtful. Children need to know that they are worthy of being loved. As a father, it is my duty, and likely my most important charge, to teach this to my children. Of course, I tell my children that I love them daily. But that isn’t enough. My actions must follow my vocalization. I hug them at every available opportunity. I stop what I am doing, if at all possible, and give them my time and attention when they ask. I tell them repeatedly that I cannot think of a better way of spending my time than with them. I don’t know if all of my efforts will amount to much, so I am vigilant at recognizing opportunities to teach them that they are deserving of being loved. If, when my children are 30 years old, they understand that they deserve to be loved, then I have done half of my job.
The other half rests in their ability to express their love. Love which remains hidden is useless. What good becomes a man who loves his wife yet cannot effectively communicate his feelings? It isn’t difficult to imagine a doomed relationship. I believe the same applies to my children. As stated above, I am eager to express my love for them. But I constantly encourage my children to express their love. I make them hug every relative and thank them for their gifts, their time, etc. I tell them how special it makes others feel to be able to experience their love. Again, too little effort? Time will tell.
These two concepts I hold near to my heart. If I am to be a good father, which implies being a good husband, then I am to show my love for both my children and their mother. While I am not convinced that is enough, I am certain that my children will miss the message without my efforts. You’ve probably already done it many times today, but take a moment to love your kids right now. As my daughter read to me from a book recently, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, and that’s why they call it the present.”
All of the other things have their place as well, and I certainly do not forsake them for these two exceptional lessons. But being able to both give and receive love rank as the top on my list. The item that comes in second, a choice that seems to fluctuate with my mood of the day, falls well short of these preferred ideas. It isn’t even a close race.
So I am now, and have been for some time, dealing with the problematic question of how. How do I teach my children to love and to be loved? The options to this question is the focus of this writing, along with the media’s take on what love is.
I’ll start with the popular media, mostly because I recently watched a movie that proposed to explain what love is, actually. In this movie, the title of which can be found hidden within the words of this article, several scenarios of various types of love are explored. But I believe the movie makers, assuming their claim was well intentioned, got it wrong. Each of the scenarios depicted, save one, was of what I would call “new love.” By new love, I mean the early romance and energetic passion felt in what many have called the honeymoon period. Only one scenario depicted “old love,” the love shared by a man and woman who have been through it all over the course of a lengthy relationship. And even this scenario fell short, in my humble opinion, because it depicted a mature marriage on the rocks as the husband, apparently going through some stereotypic midlife crisis, wooed a younger woman with jewelry.
So, what is this movie teaching our children about love? And don’t fall into the trap of thinking that movies don’t teach us anything but only entertain us. Maybe this is the case for adults wise enough to see through the smoke and mirrors of Hollywood. But to young eyes, too naïve to understand the gulf between Hollywood and reality, movies indeed teach our children. And this movie was making the point that romance defines love. But after perusing divorce rates (an increase of 700% from 1970 to 1996, according to the Americans for Divorce Reform), we need to teach our children about “old love.” I am begging Hollywood, please show us touching movies about adults growing old together in marriage! From where I’m sitting, I cannot think of a single movie highlighting old love. Of course, as an involved (and married!) father, I take it upon myself to teach my children. But society teaches, as well. This is a fact I cannot deny.
Hopefully the model of my old and growing love for their mother will be enough to teach my children about the value and substance of old love. Because the romance shown to them in advertisements, television shows and movies are only trumpeting the value of romance; aka, new love. But new love is notoriously brittle, cracking under the constant strain of life’s stresses. And what happens to that new love when children are brought into the picture? It is my opinion that new love, if not maturing into old love, will break more times than not. Let us take it upon ourselves to espouse the value and fulfillment that one enjoys having spent their entire life with one partner in matrimony. True, sometimes I don’t exactly like my wife. And I am sure that she isn’t all that fond of me from time to time. But working through those moments, being able to look back at the growth of a relationship, and experiencing the lasting loyalty and deep happiness from a long and meaningful marriage is much more gratifying then the momentary euphoria of a passionate romance. This brings me full circle, back to my original point. I want, more than any other thing, to teach my children to love and be loved.
The other half rests in their ability to express their love. Love which remains hidden is useless. What good becomes a man who loves his wife yet cannot effectively communicate his feelings? It isn’t difficult to imagine a doomed relationship. I believe the same applies to my children. As stated above, I am eager to express my love for them. But I constantly encourage my children to express their love. I make them hug every relative and thank them for their gifts, their time, etc. I tell them how special it makes others feel to be able to experience their love. Again, too little effort? Time will tell.
These two concepts I hold near to my heart. If I am to be a good father, which implies being a good husband, then I am to show my love for both my children and their mother. While I am not convinced that is enough, I am certain that my children will miss the message without my efforts. You’ve probably already done it many times today, but take a moment to love your kids right now. As my daughter read to me from a book recently, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, and that’s why they call it the present.”
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Fatherhood Is No Sacrifice
Fatherhood is no sacrifice. I have heard it said that, when some men (often friends of mine) think of being a father, they don't like the idea of having to give up hobbies they enjoy, freedom to go and do whenever they want, or sacrificing some other aspect of their childless life. But I see it quite differently.
In fact, I feel strongly that those well meaning men have it completely upside down. I enjoy birding: watching and identifying backyard birds, taking walks with a bird book to find new types which don't frequent my particular neighborhood, etc. As a father of an 11 year old boy and a 9 year old girl, did I sacrifice being able to bird watch? No! On the contrary, I found myself doing more and more birding because of my children. It turns out that they quite enjoyed watching the birds just as I do. They will sit on the back porch for, frankly, longer than I even want and keep a sharp eye peeled for new birds. I even became much more knowledgeable about the birds that I love so much because I found myself teaching my children about them. I have always believed that you teach what you most want to learn. It is certainly true that your understanding of a topic increases dramatically as you teach that topic. So, thank you Cameron and Maddie, for allowing me to enjoy the birds which I love so much. Thank you, for teaching me through your questions about those lovely animals of flight.
But, perhaps the example of birding was simply a happy, little coincidence. After all, what little kid doesn't like pretty little animals that magically take flight and have a myriad of beautiful colors? So, lets consider another hobby of mine: astronomy. Surely being a father would put a damper on that activity because the children couldn't possibly be interested in seemingly static dots in the sky. Oh, but how they are!
My children absolutely love knowing which little dot in the sky is Jupiter and which is the North Star. They love the shapes that the dots make such as a kite, a house, or an arrow. My children love to look through binoculars and see Jupiter's four Galilean moons, or check out the craters on the Moon, or even see the plethora of stars which are too dim to see with the naked eye but come out of hiding with the help of a nice lens. And if I want a little "alone time" with my beloved stars, no problem. The youngsters go to bed long before stars fade away with the morning Sun. So, I have as much time as I want to savor the beauty of the universe in peaceful silence. And, a nice little ancillary aside is, once again, the growth of my own knowledge thanks to the questions of my curious little budding scientists. Still, this activity is once again passive. What about a physically active hobby in which they couldn't possibly undertake? No way having children could accentuate such an activity. Wrong again!
Let me cut to the chase and list other areas in which a sacrifice might occur in the post-childless life: working on the car, attending and watching football games, riding my bicycle, watching the few specific television shows which display a very narrow field of knowledge or entertainment, going for a swim, reading, exercising. The list goes on and on. The bottom line is this... my children love being with their parent and sharing in the joys of various activities. Concerns of a heavy burden of sacrifice should simply wash away from the worried mind of a father-to-be.
So, I guess I'm saying that having children enriches every aspect of life and hampers none. Well, that would indeed be a naive statement. Yes, there are sacrifices. So, to be fair, let's look at the spector of sacrifice which will surely descend upon a man's life upon having children. Money disappears at an alarming rate. There exist a small number of activities which are not suitable for children (R-rated movies, repelling... you get the idea). Life gets a bit busier. Strike that. Life gets crazy! Children are unpredictable. They can be happy and congenial one minute, and disturbingly argumentative the next. But does the new father need to abandon his carefree life of hobbies and friends? No. There may be a need for better time management... and maybe a select few activities become a bit less frequent. But let me tell you a little secret. Are you ready? It's a big one. You may want to slow the pace of your reading and settle in to a comfy chair to prepare yourself for this little know bombshell.
Children love their parents. Shhh! Don't tell anyone this. It's a trade secret which cannot become public knowledge lest the population explosion becomes a full fledged supernova. But it's true. The love and laughter which your darling children will unconditionally throw your way will erase any regret you may have for missing out on the rare activity which childless men enjoy. It is impossible to overstate this fact. I promise, your heart will melt with love and affection in a futile attempt to reciprocate the love which will be offered.
So, if you're thinking that your current life as a father has been more of a sacrifice than originally anticipated, then I would suggest taking a second look at your situation. Get a new perspective. Include your kids in that activity in which you are sure they will not be interested. You may have underestimated you darling little ones. And maybe, just maybe, you deserve a little break. In that case, reward yourself with that break. Get a babysitter. Allow a family member to keep your kids for a bit. But I don't think you'll need too many of those breaks if you take the right approach.
And if you're considering entering the wonderful and wacky world of fatherhood, then relax. Life can continue. And yes, you can still enjoy all of those little moments which you currently savor.
Trust me, it will be ok.
In fact, I feel strongly that those well meaning men have it completely upside down. I enjoy birding: watching and identifying backyard birds, taking walks with a bird book to find new types which don't frequent my particular neighborhood, etc. As a father of an 11 year old boy and a 9 year old girl, did I sacrifice being able to bird watch? No! On the contrary, I found myself doing more and more birding because of my children. It turns out that they quite enjoyed watching the birds just as I do. They will sit on the back porch for, frankly, longer than I even want and keep a sharp eye peeled for new birds. I even became much more knowledgeable about the birds that I love so much because I found myself teaching my children about them. I have always believed that you teach what you most want to learn. It is certainly true that your understanding of a topic increases dramatically as you teach that topic. So, thank you Cameron and Maddie, for allowing me to enjoy the birds which I love so much. Thank you, for teaching me through your questions about those lovely animals of flight.
But, perhaps the example of birding was simply a happy, little coincidence. After all, what little kid doesn't like pretty little animals that magically take flight and have a myriad of beautiful colors? So, lets consider another hobby of mine: astronomy. Surely being a father would put a damper on that activity because the children couldn't possibly be interested in seemingly static dots in the sky. Oh, but how they are!
My children absolutely love knowing which little dot in the sky is Jupiter and which is the North Star. They love the shapes that the dots make such as a kite, a house, or an arrow. My children love to look through binoculars and see Jupiter's four Galilean moons, or check out the craters on the Moon, or even see the plethora of stars which are too dim to see with the naked eye but come out of hiding with the help of a nice lens. And if I want a little "alone time" with my beloved stars, no problem. The youngsters go to bed long before stars fade away with the morning Sun. So, I have as much time as I want to savor the beauty of the universe in peaceful silence. And, a nice little ancillary aside is, once again, the growth of my own knowledge thanks to the questions of my curious little budding scientists. Still, this activity is once again passive. What about a physically active hobby in which they couldn't possibly undertake? No way having children could accentuate such an activity. Wrong again!
Let me cut to the chase and list other areas in which a sacrifice might occur in the post-childless life: working on the car, attending and watching football games, riding my bicycle, watching the few specific television shows which display a very narrow field of knowledge or entertainment, going for a swim, reading, exercising. The list goes on and on. The bottom line is this... my children love being with their parent and sharing in the joys of various activities. Concerns of a heavy burden of sacrifice should simply wash away from the worried mind of a father-to-be.
So, I guess I'm saying that having children enriches every aspect of life and hampers none. Well, that would indeed be a naive statement. Yes, there are sacrifices. So, to be fair, let's look at the spector of sacrifice which will surely descend upon a man's life upon having children. Money disappears at an alarming rate. There exist a small number of activities which are not suitable for children (R-rated movies, repelling... you get the idea). Life gets a bit busier. Strike that. Life gets crazy! Children are unpredictable. They can be happy and congenial one minute, and disturbingly argumentative the next. But does the new father need to abandon his carefree life of hobbies and friends? No. There may be a need for better time management... and maybe a select few activities become a bit less frequent. But let me tell you a little secret. Are you ready? It's a big one. You may want to slow the pace of your reading and settle in to a comfy chair to prepare yourself for this little know bombshell.
Children love their parents. Shhh! Don't tell anyone this. It's a trade secret which cannot become public knowledge lest the population explosion becomes a full fledged supernova. But it's true. The love and laughter which your darling children will unconditionally throw your way will erase any regret you may have for missing out on the rare activity which childless men enjoy. It is impossible to overstate this fact. I promise, your heart will melt with love and affection in a futile attempt to reciprocate the love which will be offered.
So, if you're thinking that your current life as a father has been more of a sacrifice than originally anticipated, then I would suggest taking a second look at your situation. Get a new perspective. Include your kids in that activity in which you are sure they will not be interested. You may have underestimated you darling little ones. And maybe, just maybe, you deserve a little break. In that case, reward yourself with that break. Get a babysitter. Allow a family member to keep your kids for a bit. But I don't think you'll need too many of those breaks if you take the right approach.
And if you're considering entering the wonderful and wacky world of fatherhood, then relax. Life can continue. And yes, you can still enjoy all of those little moments which you currently savor.
Trust me, it will be ok.
Friday, December 4, 2009
The Things We Do For Our Children
My back hurts, I'm cold and hungry, my knees hurt, my jeans might be ruined due to the mud and grass stains... and yet, I continue. Why? I'm not getting paid. It's not part of my job. My wife doesn't care if I do it. And yet, I continue.
Today I spent the entire afternoon and evening putting lights on and around my house. I live in a modest, two story home. I am petrified of heights, and yet I found myself today about 30 feet off of terra firma, attaching Christmas lights to the gutters and shingles onto the highest point on my roof. I spent hours outside in the cold, untangling strings of lights, diagnosing and fixing unlit strings, and becoming overall achy throughout my body.
Of course, I likely sound like a curmudgeon at this point in the story. But, as I worked and toiled with thousands of lights for roughly 7 hours, I found that I was as happy as a lark. In fact, I would do it all again tomorrow if needed. Again, I must ask why.
Before I tell you the obvious answer (see the title of this article for a clue), I need to put a little perspective on the story. I've been very stressed and busy lately. In fact, I would say that I've been downright depressed. Money is tight, I'm wondering where the extra money for Christmas presents will come from, I am exceptionally busy at work, and my wife is working two jobs which gives me a greater burden of responsibility at home. To be quite frank, I had absolutely no motivation for putting up Christmas decorations of any kind.
I even entertained the idea with my wife that maybe I wouldn't put up the lights this year. Maybe we could just get a Christmas tree in a couple of weeks and let that be our only decorating for the season. But, alas, my children saw things a bit differently. This is how it went when I brought up the idea of forgoing the outside Christmas lights with my kids.
Me: "Hey kids. I'm thinking about not putting up any Christmas lights on the house this year."
The kids: "Oh. Uh, ok. Are you sure?" -- My kids are very understanding, which just makes this whole conversation that much more difficult.
Me: "Well, I guess I could put them up."
The kids: "Yay!!! We love you, Daddy. You're the best Dad, ever!"
Case closed. I'm putting up the lights.
So, as soon as I ate lunch after church, the rest of Sunday found me outside as explained above. Now I'm inside the cozy confines of my house, the kids are in bed, and I couldn't be more in the mood for Christmas if I was jolly ol' Saint Nick, myself.
Feeling a little "out of the mood" for Christmas? I stumbled upon the remedy today. Just look in your kids eyes and see their unadulterated joy when speaking of Christmas.
I got unsolicited hugs and kisses along with "atta boy's" like only my kids can give. Even my wife caught the Christmas bug. She fixed a marvelous turkey dinner (no, Thanksgiving wasn't enough). We had a great dinner and then went outside to savor in Daddy's handiwork. More unsolicited thanks and hugs and exclamations about being the best Daddy in the whole wide world.
Yep. I would do it tomorrow in a heart beat.
Today I spent the entire afternoon and evening putting lights on and around my house. I live in a modest, two story home. I am petrified of heights, and yet I found myself today about 30 feet off of terra firma, attaching Christmas lights to the gutters and shingles onto the highest point on my roof. I spent hours outside in the cold, untangling strings of lights, diagnosing and fixing unlit strings, and becoming overall achy throughout my body.
Of course, I likely sound like a curmudgeon at this point in the story. But, as I worked and toiled with thousands of lights for roughly 7 hours, I found that I was as happy as a lark. In fact, I would do it all again tomorrow if needed. Again, I must ask why.
Before I tell you the obvious answer (see the title of this article for a clue), I need to put a little perspective on the story. I've been very stressed and busy lately. In fact, I would say that I've been downright depressed. Money is tight, I'm wondering where the extra money for Christmas presents will come from, I am exceptionally busy at work, and my wife is working two jobs which gives me a greater burden of responsibility at home. To be quite frank, I had absolutely no motivation for putting up Christmas decorations of any kind.
I even entertained the idea with my wife that maybe I wouldn't put up the lights this year. Maybe we could just get a Christmas tree in a couple of weeks and let that be our only decorating for the season. But, alas, my children saw things a bit differently. This is how it went when I brought up the idea of forgoing the outside Christmas lights with my kids.
Me: "Hey kids. I'm thinking about not putting up any Christmas lights on the house this year."
The kids: "Oh. Uh, ok. Are you sure?" -- My kids are very understanding, which just makes this whole conversation that much more difficult.
Me: "Well, I guess I could put them up."
The kids: "Yay!!! We love you, Daddy. You're the best Dad, ever!"
Case closed. I'm putting up the lights.
So, as soon as I ate lunch after church, the rest of Sunday found me outside as explained above. Now I'm inside the cozy confines of my house, the kids are in bed, and I couldn't be more in the mood for Christmas if I was jolly ol' Saint Nick, myself.
Feeling a little "out of the mood" for Christmas? I stumbled upon the remedy today. Just look in your kids eyes and see their unadulterated joy when speaking of Christmas.
I got unsolicited hugs and kisses along with "atta boy's" like only my kids can give. Even my wife caught the Christmas bug. She fixed a marvelous turkey dinner (no, Thanksgiving wasn't enough). We had a great dinner and then went outside to savor in Daddy's handiwork. More unsolicited thanks and hugs and exclamations about being the best Daddy in the whole wide world.
Yep. I would do it tomorrow in a heart beat.
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