The Birds and the Bees

I remember when I was young how devastated I always was when my mother or father wanted to talk to me about sex.  I have, in fact, never felt terribly comfortable about the subject.  But now, as my children are getting older and approaching puberty at light speed, I must take on the roll of sex education teacher.

My wife and I have spoken to both of our children about sex at various times.  It is different now, however, because it is starting to make sense to them.  Before I could talk about sex in fairly general terms.  And most of the sex talks were focused more on child safety than on the actual act of sex.  So, while I've been thinking more and more about this, I thought I would relay a funny story regarding my daughter when the subject reared its head a few years ago.

At the time, we had just gotten a new puppy.  The puppy, as well as our older Lab, has been spade.  Still, the Lab tried to "mount" the puppy, presumably in a show of dominance.  When my daughter saw this, she asked why Sugar would try to climb onto the back of this little puppy.  My response, thinking it was innocuous, was to explain that dogs have sex in that position.  Below is a transcript of the conversation which insued.

Maddie:  "That's horrible.  I'm glad humans don't have sex."  I guess our previous conversations had meant less than I originally thought.

Me:  "Well, actually, humans have sex, too."

Maddie:  "Oh, gross!!  Thank goodness you and Mommy didn't do that!"

Me:  "Uh... well... we did, Maddie.  That's how we had you."  I smiled at her, thinking this would make things all better since it had obvious positive effects.  No such luck.

Maddie:  "You did that to Mommy!!!"

Me:  "Well, yes, but she didn't mind.  She was ok with it."

Maddie:  "She liked it?!"

Me:  "Well, I don't think I asked, but I think so."  I hope so...

Maddie:  "I've got to go talk to Mommy."

She then marched up the stairs to talk to her mother who was in our bedroom.  I didn't follow, because I had frankly had enough of the conversation.  But a few minutes later Maddie slowly walked out of our bedroom.  As she crossed the stairs, her eyes found me waiting at the bottom.  That is the only time I have ever seen my daughter look at me with complete contempt.  I'm not sure she has forgiven me yet, but I don't bring it up anymore.